I’m genuinely excited for the 2020 golf season. I’ve already had my burned out, bored with golf, sick of the PGA TOUR moment, and now I’m juiced to get back into the real season. The new year is a time for productivity and ambitions to be the best you can be so here are my wishes for the upcoming golf season.
Phil Completely Loses His Mind
Phil’s online persona became sentient in 2019 with his calves obsession, talking about hitting bombs and ricochet shots at Kuchar while driving down Magnolia Lane, showing off his prowess in sports other than golf, and his Phireside Chats. I honestly think Tiger winning again short circuited his brain. What I’m hoping for in 2020 is that Phil completely loses it. He’s bounced around with it (see quick-raking his putt at the 2018 US Open), so why not just dive into the deep end? I want him to play the Masters in a tuxedo. I want him to start vaping CBD oil on the course. I want him to play an entire tournament with only the driver. Go crazy Phil. You’ll get so many likes on Twitter, dude. Do it.
I Want Spieth to Fire Greller
Imagine this: Spieth and Greller get caught in a hot mic conversation on Friday at the Masters. Spieth and Greller are faced with a similar situation as they were in 2017 when we got the famous “What would Arnie do?” line. But this time Spieth listens to Greller, but his shot runs out and trickles into to Rae’s Creek. Spieth finally realizes he doesn’t need someone bossing him around on and off the course. That he needs to be alone in the spotlight. He fires Greller the Monday after the Masters, fires Cameron McCormick and goes on to win two events and The Open on his way to a triumphant Ryder Cup return and golf’s Golden Boy of the future.
I Want Reed to Fire Kessler Karain
Speaking of firing, I want Patrick Reed to fire his caddie Kessler Karain. I want the OG Team Reed back. The tag team duo of Patrick and Justine vs. The World. Kessler Karain has been a great henchman for Team Reed, but his role has run its course. It’s time for Team Reed to get back to basics. This article I read recently from 2012 gives so much insight to Justine and Patrick’s relationship today. Justine talking shit to fans from inside the ropes in a bedazzled caddie bib is my deepest, darkest fantasy. I need her back on the bag.
Brooks Gets Fat
Real fat. Just completely opposite of what he did for the Body Issue. I want Brooks to get sloppy, greasy fat. And I want him to do this just to troll Bryson. Brooks and Bryson obviously don’t get along. Bryson has claimed to gain 25 pounds of muscle alone. I want Brooks to gain 50 pounds of fat. And I want him to beat Bryson in every single event this year.
Kiradech Wins the Masters
Speaking of fat, I want Kiradech Aphibarnrat to win the Masters. Can you imagine the Barnrat in a green jacket? Will they be able to find one that big for him? Can you imagine Kiradech’s Champion’s Dinner and the old ass white dudes’ reactions when they have to eat it? (Yes I know they can order off the club’s regular menu but this is my fantasy.) Can you imagine Kiradech flying down Magnolia Lane in a custom Masters Green lambo? I can. And it will be glorious.
I Want Someone to Blow Up at the 2020 Olympics
In 2016 the last place golfer was 29 strokes off the leader, Justin Rose. I need that number to be way higher. I want to see someone shoot in the 100’s each day. I want it to be like the Olympic swimmer Eric the Eel. I want clips of this golfer whiffing on the first tee. I want it to be painful and relatable. Then I want him to hole out on the last hole to a wild round of applause.
I Want a US Ryder Cup Team that’s Fun to Root for
MAGA. Make American Golfers Appealing. I’m sick of the old guard on the US Team events. I am sick of guys that are “just happy to be there” and so much more of the guys that couldn’t care less to be there. Get Kuchar off the team. Get DJ out of there. I don’t even want Tiger on the team anymore. And if Bubba makes the team I’m going to lose my fucking mind. Give me Cantlay, Spieth, Kisner, young guys like Wolff. Fiery dudes who want to beat the shit out of Europeans. Even give me Bryson for that matter. I’m just so sick of the boring ass American teams where the most excitement we see out them all week is a bus ride sing along to “We are the Champions”. If we can’t be funnier than the Euro team, give me the psychos.
Lastly, I Want Us All to Get Along
Just kidding. I want chaos. I want feuds. I want shoving matches on the course. I want fist fights. I want the PGA TOUR to finally lose its loose grip on the circus side show of golfers. I want the TOUR players to completely air it out. I want the players calling each other out for slow play. I want the cheaters called out on the course. Last year teetered on the edge of this, but instead we just got people half-heartedly joking about Xander’s hot driver, or ribbing Kuchar on his cheapness, or mimicking Patrick Reed in the bunker. I want it all out in the open this year. Tell me who’s on steroids. Tell me who’s on drugs. (Real drugs, not Matt Every smoking weed drugs.) The PGA TOUR is such a close knit, closed door sport compared to other professional sports. I feel like we all know the rumors about these things, but I want 2020 to be the year it spills out into the open.
I’m a realist and don’t fully expect every one of these things to come true, but it could happen. I don’t ask for much, Lord, but please give me a Kiradech Masters victory. Please.