Every week we will be breaking down the city, course, and players for each PGA tournament event. We will judge the city on how big of a golf town it is and provide a breakdown and prediction of who we like in the field for that week. To determine the extent of each city’s Golf Town-ness, we take into account several things: First, we evaluate the city demographics to determine the population of golfers. Second, we judge the worst municipal course with the worst municipal course from our hometown (Moccasin Bend. Located between an insane asylum and a sewage treatment plant). Last, we review the best restaurants (Chili’s, Applebee’s, and Hooters) and the proximity of the nearest night(strip)club. We were raised in a town where an Applebee’s was built across the street from a Chili’s in our central downtown district. And from an early age, we honed our Chubbs-instructed putting at Sir Gooney’s Putt-Putt shortly after demolishing Daytona Style wings at the adjacent Hooters. So, these are the three restaurants we will judge every city by largely in fact because it is all we know. We will use Yelp predominately to determine the reviews of the golf courses and restaurants. We won’t be consistent. And we will show bias at every opportunity.
For our inaugural week, the PGA opens its first real tournament inside the contiguous United States with an event that is not a “CareerBuilder” in a city famous for creating the Taco Bell of motel chains. Torrey Pines in San Diego is to the Ritz Carlton as the PGA West in La Quinta is to the, well, La Quinta. For comparison, there are no Chili’s in La Quinta proper and the nearest titty bar is the Lynx Gentlemen’s Club which is permanently closed. If the Lynx GC was still open, La Quinta would have been on the map for a Golf Town solely for the name of their nearest strip club. San Diego, and for that matter La Jolla where Torrey Pines is located, is infested with golfers. With 82% of the population being White Non-Hispanic, and 31% of the population, the majority of that we’re sure are in the 82%, being in finance, I’m assuming the majority of the population are golfers. The income per capita in San Diego is nearly three times the national average. That excess money is either going to hookers and prescription meds in Tijuana or greens fees and country club memberships. It is safe to assume San Diego’s statistical orientation as Golfer.
While San Diego seems flush with cash, few cities can escape the undying need for a goat track. With the added element of California droughts, it seems San Diego is no exception to this rule. Two courses are up for the Moc Bend Award in San Diego. The first course, although not technically a golf course, is the cleverly named 3Par Golf Course. As Yelp reviewer Tim W. put it: “This is a golf course like a ping pong table in a bar is a tennis court.” Coming in with only 1.5 stars, and the sole positive review obviously from an employee or owner, this course seems to be a complete shit hole. While we appreciate shit holes, it is important that people are still having fun at these shit holes like we have and will continue to do so at Moc Bend. In this case, 3Par Golf Course is a shit hole devoid of fun. No Moc Bend Award will be given to 3Par Golf.
66 reviews on Yelp and a strong 2.5 rating leads us to believe that Mission Trails seems to be the go-to city course of San Diego. Mission Trails is 30 minutes south of Torrey Pines, closer to the non-golfer district of San Diego. A wide range of reviews shows the true versatility of Mission Trails. Josh R. writes “This course is ok for beginners..but the women’s club is a disgrace to golf…on Tuesday mornings…you can expect a 5 1/2 hour round..its absolutely pathetic.” Maybe if Josh would stick to the Men’s club and quit delaying his review with ellipses he could finish his round in under 5 ½ hours. His review reads like an asthmatic. Kyle F. writes “They need more restrooms throughout the course apparently. One guy totally crapped his pants in the restroom. So, two stars for game play. Minus three stars for the crappy customer service.” One of the great privileges of being a male on a golf course is being able to utilize the great outdoors as your own toilet. The reason Josh R. is so pissed at the delays in gameplay is because Kyle F. is wasting his time in a bathroom when he should be peeing in the woods while looking for his ball. But the stench of shit brings us back to our home course so points for Mission Trails for blown-up bathrooms. The top review of Mission Trails is an 8 paragraph long account of some nerd’s first experience on the golf course where he would “Zip around in your cute little carts, rail ciggys, imbibe craft brews, tell a few war stories and jokes and your crummy play will be eclipsed by a wave of mirth.” His review ends with them calling it quits after 10 holes. He wrote a try-hard, corny version of a Hunter S. Thompson article that lasted 8 paragraphs and only finished 10 holes of golf. The fact that this dweeb has played this golf course eliminates Mission Trails from earning a Moc Bend Award.
San Diego might be known for its fish tacos, but the top tier restaurants in town still remain the big three: Chili’s, Applebee’s, and Hooters. From Torrey Pines, Hooters is a staggering 14.8 miles away, while Applebee’s and Chili’s are 12.8 and 6.3 miles away respectively. The distance is not a deal breaker on our judgement because we understand it is California, land of the free(way).
For starters (brought to you by Chili’s Triple Dippers) Justin C., a La Jolla local, writes this about Chili’s: “Very Cozy feeling.” And: “The tortillas were just tortillas.” And: “Nothing really stood out.” But he ended with “Okay Lunch eating my friends!” We will take it Justin C. Cindy M. wrote “Order to go for both me and my co-worker. The tilapia was raw in the middle for both order.” San Diego is known for its fresh fish and if Cindy M. wasn’t in the mood for tilapia sushi she and her coworker should have gone to Long John Silvers.
Moving on to Applebee’s, Michelle N. had to say this: “So I’m here with the bf after shopping Old Navy and Ross across the street. We’re looking around and deciding where to eat and he says, ‘Oh, I have a gift card to Applebees.’” If I had a nickel every time I was at Old Navy or Ross and remembered I had a gift card to Applebee’s I wouldn’t need these gift cards to Applebee’s.
Lastly, Jose A. gives the only review of Hooters we need: “We come to this hooters every time we feel like going to a hooters in SD. I must say is like a tradition for us. I like what I see, and im sure a lot of guys do too. LOL. […] So guess what a fresh Marine out of boot camp. wanted Boobies and booties, I mean wings and chicken breast. Lol. we had a good time and even took a good picture to remember that day.” We support the troops and the troops support this Hooters.
As far as nightlife, Goldfingers Gentlemen’s Club is only 8 miles away. Converting California miles to American Miles, that’s only like a couple blocks. Rounding out the stellar restaurant reviews and the near walking distance to the GC, the restaurant and nightlife scene is as prominent as expected.
Justin Thomas is taking a vacation from his vacation of mele kalikimaka-ing the field in Hawaii, but he would be facing more than a bunch of Rob Schneider’s from 50 First Dates this week in La Jolla. (Take a moment to appreciate the range in accents from Rob in this scene. He goes from LA cholo to stereotypical Japanese to Australian out of nowhere.)
Andrew Loupe: Seems to have been released from the Neanderthal Research at the Musculoskeletal Center at Scripps Clinic before his tee time on Thursday. Look for him to finish slightly ahead of the Geico Caveman this week.
Brandon Stone: If his PGA.com profile picture is any indication how he will play this week, look for close, beautiful shots.
Tim Wilkinson: After the crown of his head being smashed flat in a paragliding accident off the shores of Torrey Pines, we expect Tim Wilkinson to forget he is Tim Wilkinson and play more like Tom Williamson.
Peter Malnati: Sponsored by MLB.com, Peter should have a huge crowd following this week, playing in a city now only known for their Major League Baseball team.
This week’s Cart Path Only Expert Pick: Harris English