Every week we will be breaking down the city and players for each PGA tournament event. We will judge the city on how big of a golf town it is and provide a breakdown and prediction of who we like in the field for that week. To determine the extent of each city’s Golf Town-ness, we judge the worst municipal course against the worst municipal course from our hometown (Moccasin Bend. Located between an insane asylum and a sewage treatment plant). We were raised in a town where we honed our Chubbs-instructed putting at the Gooney Golf Putt-Putt shortly after demolishing Daytona Style wings at the adjacent Hooters. So, additionally, we will judge the closest Hooter’s to the event location, largely in fact because it is all we know. We will use Yelp predominately to determine the reviews of the golf courses and restaurants. We won’t be consistent.
This week we review the strip mall, Crossfit, SEC-caliber college girl capital of the Southwest, Scottsdale, AZ. The Waste Management Phoenix Open is famous, much like many of the girls at ASU, for a hole that tons of drunk bros have been to. TPC Scottsdale is just one of the many prestigious, expensive courses in the Phoenix, Scottsdale area we will never play at. Luckily for us, Scottsdale has two options for less financially inclined. Paradise Valley Park Golf Course is a short-course with a strong 2.5 stars on Yelp. To perfectly describe this course, Joe B.’s review reads “It is what it is. They have a range as well… They have carts for the course. It is short..” Hemingway couldn’t have written it more concisely. Scott R. further clarifies this course by saying “Staff maybe short on a friendly smile but the green fees can usually cheer you up. You know the course can play fast when you got guys at the 19th drinking their 3rd PBR at 9am.” Twenty-five dollars for 18 with a cart doesn’t cover smiling, Scott R. If people are drinking PBR’s at 9 AM this spot is definitely on par with Moc Bend.
Cave Creek Golf Course is a classic desert course. From the pictures it actually looks like a nice course. Let’s see what D P. has to say: “The course was “up to par” and challenging.” Good start. He continues by saying “(M)y main takeaway from this golf course was the “old man” at the counter. He was, quite frankly, an ass (this is aside from the oddities of the elderly). My buddy and I are young (around 30), but I am not a fan of someone big-leagueing me if I ask a few questions. Save that for the school yards, not the golf course.” If two Arizona meat heads are thinking about taking the charming Walter Matthau character of Cave Creek out to the “school yards” I assume they’re willing to beat up anyone. We’re not trying to get taken to the school yards while we’re playing golf. Let’s see if Tony K. can redeem this protein shake shack: “The old reliable restaurant is not the same . The prices had gone up by couple of dollars. The eggs very oily . The hash browns were way overcooked. Only decent item was the bacon. Even the toast was overcooked.” Either Tony K. is the old man behind the counter and has legitimately lost his mind or this place is known for its oily eggs. Either way we aren’t going to fight the brunch crowd to get a tee time out here. Not Moc Bend worthy.
Scottsdale is the home of the swanky, Made Great Again by Americans, Chinese-fusion restaurant P.F. Chang’s. Never the ones to venture away from the orange chicken at Panda Express, we can only assume P.F. Chang’s is too “authentic” for our liking. Luckily there is a Hooter’s 9 miles away from TPC Scottsdale. Like every other restaurant in Scottsdale, you can find Hooter’s in the middle of a strip mall. There are so many malls in Scottsdale, the USA Today was able to do a 10 Best Shopping Malls and Centers in Scottsdale. To have a top ten list, there had to be more than ten malls in the area. This is too many malls, Scottsdale. Cisco S. drops this knee-slapping review of Hooter’s “I came here thinking it’s an Owl sanctuary! Wrong turns out it’s a restaurant with waitresses who wear tight clothing !! I was hungry so I stayed, what the heck never had Owl before. So to my dismay they don’t sell Owl wings and so settled for chicken wings. I recommend the Daytona Wings naked and well grilled. The sauce taste like these girls think they look. Delicious. I’m kidding the girls here are a strong Scottsdale 7 but I still don’t understand why they call it Hooters. Good place, a lot of TVs and food is what you would expect if Applebee’s ever tried to hire attractive employees, which clearly they don’t, that’s another review.” Combining Applebee’s and Hooter’s has us cruising to the crews to connect the dots, Cisco. Talk about living la vida loca.
Speaking of thongs, Scottsdale unsurprisingly is blessed with an abundance of strip clubs. Skin Cabaret, Dream Palace, Elite Cabaret, le Girls, and Sugar 44 are just of few of the strip clubs inside strip malls in the Scottsdale area. The closest GC to TPC Scottsdale is the Candy Store 10 miles away from the course. Great cover-up name too in case your wife checks your bank statements. But you better come home with diabetes if you spend $2,500 at the Candy Store.
For this week’s picks we will start off with who we don’t like: Jon Rahm. Days after his winning first PGA Tour with a small purse of $1.2 million, Rahm is returning to his college town, where he graduated only months ago, which happens to be one of the biggest party schools in the nation, to a tournament known for its excessive partying. If Rahm shows up Thursday morning with clear eyes and a heart that’s not full of liquor and Paulina Gretzky’s face powder, we cannot support him. If he finishes in the top 10 this week along with leaked photos of him face deep in some helium-filled Arizona State love balloons we will allow it and give him our support. If he pukes off the first tee and WD’s he will become our second favorite golfer of all-time.
Jim Knous should easily battle the blinding desert sun with his signature transition glasses this weekend. If Knous can keep it tinted, look for him to be giving interviews inside with glasses that haven’t transitioned back to clear eyeglasses.
When you google image search Steven Bowditch, the related searches that auto-populate at the top are “Wife, Eyebrows, Byron Nelson, Jason Dufner Wife, Anthony Davis, and Dustin Johnson.” Bowditch is already in solid company. Look for him to join the company of former WMPO winners this weekend.
Brett Stegmaier is wearing a pink button-down in his PGA Tour profile picture. Either he’s sponsored by J. Crew or he came prepared to his photo shoot like it was school picture day. Either way we support this choice and look for Brett to finish top of his class.
Greg Chalmers is sponsored by a puzzle piece entitled “Maximum Chances”.
This week’s Cart Path Only Expert Pick: Harris English
Cart Path Only 